


Half a Soul

by Blakpaw



Series: Half a Soul [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Death, Depression, Forgive Me, Funeral, Honestly Vax is just Emotionally fucked, Honestly you'll hate me after this, Self destructive habits, Some Grog and Vax fighting, a lot of crying, twin feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-08-22 07:25:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8277653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blakpaw/pseuds/Blakpaw
Summary: When you lose a part of yourself, you really can never be the same again. When you lose someone you love you wish they'd never left. When he lost both at once, he wish he'd just die.





	1. Chapter 1

Nothing. Nothing was happening. Why wasn’t it working? Why wouldn’t she just take him, leave her.

“Please… please take me!” he desperately begged, holding his sister close, trying to hold back the tears. No… no this couldn’t be happening, not to Vex, not to his sister, anyone but her.

“Vax I…” Keyleth voice trailed for a moment as he she herself has to hold back tears.

“No… no don’t you dare say it…” Vax began to tremble “She is not dead! She can’t be! So don’t you dare say sorry!”

“Vax we’ve done everything we could... “ Kashaw stated slowly, softly, and wearily “I’m sorry but she’s gone…” somehow, hearing Kashaw say it broke the dam and Vax was wailing and screaming as he collapsed clinging to his sister, trying to stifle his sobs in her hair, Trinket letting out long mournful wails pressing against him. Grog eventually walked over, gently, oh so gently, trying to pull Vax away, he screamed in protest holding on to his sister. Grog ends up having to carry Vax under one arm and Vex over his shoulder, no one speaks as they walk back to the tomb entrance, Vax sobbing and crying the whole way there.

Eventually they make it to the forest, still close to the lake, sitting by a fire, Vax rocking back and forth as he held his sister, sniffling and hiccuping, he can't cry anymore because his tears are gone, but he still sobs and wails and moans miserably as he hugs her. Eventually, Keyleth casts her tree walking spell, and they make there way to white stone, Grog carrying the twins again, Percy has been silent the whole while, eyes wide and body trembling, arms wrapped around himself in an attempt to hold himself together it seemed, Zahra hugging Kashaw trying not to cry, and Keyleth is holding Scanlan's hand in a desperate search for comfort, Scanlan is unusually silent as well.

Eventually they arrived at castle White Stone, it takes a while for it all to settle in, Cassandra is helping them all get into beds, comforting her brother, and promising a proper burial for Vex’ahlia. It goes by fast, and before they know it, it’s night time, the sun has set and they must prepare Vex for her burial. Vax is there the whole time, watching it wall, as they wrap her in clean silks and beautiful cloths, he lays some of her most prized possessions in there, her bow, her bracers, and the cloak he gave her. The depression has slipped away into something deeper and much worse, depression has developed into a feeling of nothingness, and emptiness in his chest. The tears dried in his eyes and the light faded to a dark dull color as he sat by her coffin through the night, singing in elvish and recounting stories, speaking out loud, telling her how much he loved her, telling her how sorry he was that he couldn’t save her, how he wished she was still there, how empty he felt, how lost and alone he felt.

The next few days were spent at bars drinking tell he couldn't even stand anymore, tell he was dumb enough to throw punches at who ever was in reach and said something he didn’t like, or looked like they deserved it. His worst fight had been with Grog, when he’d stumbled home drunk to the castle, looking specifically for the goliath.

Grog had been watching Pike work when he stumbled up, Grog had looked over with a sad confused look, and without a single word, Vax hit him as hard as he could in the chest, didn’t hurt of course, but still upset Grog, and confused him more “Vax what 're you doing?” he asked with worry only to get a very pissed look and have Vax lunge at him, trying to grapple him, to drunk to speak common as angry slurs of broken Elvish left him, Grog prying him off and pinning him to a wall, but he wouldn’t give up “Vax stop i!” Grog had snapped at him, growing a little upset with the half elf. Vax’s response was to spit in his face, which got him a hard hit the the jaw, more out of reflex and instinct than anything else, but Vax only laughed and smiled grabbing his daggers and continuing to try and attack. Grog defended himself, it didn’t take long for Pike to rush over and tear the fight apart, Vax, already struggling to stand from how drunk he was collapsed on the floor, battered and bruised. When Pike asked why he did it Vax just smiled and stared at the ceiling with blank eye before closing them and saying “I was trying to get to my sister.” he stated before chuckling “I guess I should of waited tell you weren’t in the room, huh?” he looked at her with those broken empty eyes and still smiled a fake, life filled smile.

When the funeral came it was pouring rain, and Vax felt the pain again, the aching of loneliness and pain and the feeling of being in complete. He watched his twin be placed under the ground, all of Vox Machina stood there, Kash, Zahra, Gillmore, Uriel’s wife and kids, The Guards of Greyskull, Cassandra, and many people from the cities of Emon and White Stone was there, mourning her loss. Vax stayed there, long after the rest left, to go drink or move on with their day in silent mourning, he just sat on his knees in the wet rain, trying to make the pain stop. Keyleth found him after sunset asleep on top of the freshly buried grave, and got Zahra's help to carry him back. Vax would never be the same again. Everyone knew that, because he’d lost a part of himself that had been with him since he was born, lost a section of his spirit, his heart, and his life, and it was never coming back.


	2. Half a Soul pt 2

He stared at the wall. Had it really already been so long since his dear sister had died? It felt like just yesterday he saw her lively smile. It felt like just yesterday she had been in his arms, excited about some sort of new loot. It felt like just yesterday they were all celebrating the fact that they were alive.

It had been half a year already since she had died. Yet it hurt like it had only just happened. He felt in complete. He felt empty. He felt useless. Only just yesterday did he send a letter to their father explaining the untimely departure of his sister. He wondered if Syldor would even bat an eye at the news. Probably not. He bitterly scowled, and stood up deciding he needed a drink. He was halfway into the hall when a hand grabbed the back of his cloak and pulled him back into his room.

To be honest Vax gave up hope of defeating the conclave the day his sister died, but the rest haven’t. So they’ve been watching over him, trying to nurse him to health, meaning that people like Grog had to block his way and not let him out of the room with Pike near by to enforce the rule and not let Grog be influenced by Vax’s no longer keen silver tongue. Vax sighed and lay down, the servants in Scanlan’s mansion would bring food soon, and he wouldn’t eat much of it. But some of it because Keyleth would urge him to.

Somedays it feels like the only reason he’s still alive is Keyleth.  
.  
.  
.  
Sometimes he doesn’t know whether to curse her or thank her for that.

~~*~~

Vax sat at the dinner table for the first time in half a year, picking at the food in front of him. It’s so silent without Vex’aliha at the table. He looks to the seat on his left where she always sat. It’s barren. Like his heart feels. Empty. Cold. Lonely. Not the way it was meant to be.

“Vax, please eat.” Keyleth urged him, the half elf looked at his plate, not a single portion touched yet. He didn’t realize he was staring at his food in silent thought again tell a soft small hand touched his arm. He flinched in surprise before slowly turning to look at Pike. She gave him a sad smile which he managed to return, before looking away, and slowly bringing a small portion of potatoes into his mouth. Just like every other time he tried to eat it tasted bland. Empty. Worthless. Boring. Like how he felt his life was.

Vax sighed a bit, reaching up to rub his tired eyes before continuing to force himself to eat. After all, tomorrow they where fighting Umbrasyl, Vax didn't say it allowed but he rather hoped he’d die tomorrow. He had a feeling his new deity would not let that happen though.

He felt his lips go dry at the thought of the Raven Queen. She’d been haunting his nightmares for the past few months, as well as his sister's pale lifeless eyes, looking up at him, past him, into nothingness. Vax slowly lifts his eyes and looks at Percy, to distract himself. Percy, perhaps, was the only one who was struggling as much as he was. Paler than before, bags under his sunken eyes, not feeling decent enough to shave the small scruff slowly forming into a beard of sorts, all skin and bones like Vax was. Percy was shakily holding a fork as he too was urged and pushed to eat, the task proved much more difficult for Percy than for Vax.

Because Vax still had all his fingers.

Percy had neglected to tell the group that somehow he’d managed to fuck his fingers up pretty bad. Percy never mentioned how it was sore and swollen. Percy had silently watched as it turned infected and darker, day by day. Luckily, Pike spotted something wrong with his trembling hands, and how he couldn’t grab, before the infection spread much further. They had Vax cut them off as they held the thrashing Percy down. Vax knew best where to cut where it wouldn’t hurt as bad. Where it would bleed less. After that Pike began the achingly slow healing process Vax knew all too well. Percy just barely had a small nub for a pinkie finger beginning to show, about to the second knuckle. Wouldn’t be long now tell he had all his finger back.  
.  
.  
.  
But Percy still had his sister. It made Vax seethe with anger that Percy acted as if he had lost the last of his family when his bloody sister was safe at home, while Vax’s sister was six feet under in Whitestone. Vax didn’t mean to clutch the utensil in his hand so hard. It cramped pretty bad after the squeeze. He lost his appetite and walked back to bed, not even caring the battle would start in a few hours.

The way he saw it they all die eventually.

So why rush to battle to die when you could just lay in bed to die.

~~*~~

Grog had cut Umbrasyl down, and Vax had still been inside. Felt the cuts dig deep, a few nearly hit him. He’d never even tried to get out. Didn’t try to breath. But Percy, it seems would not allow him the pleasure of death, because he’d shot a hole through the thick dragon hide, one that allowed him to breath. One that allowed Vox Machina to pry open the hide and cut Vax out, covered in blood and other muscley fluids from the dragon's insides. Vax had barely done anything, he didn’t see a point.

Vax felt something large and wet nudge his elbow as he stared at the dead dragon, as he had been for several minutes, and he turned slowly to face trinket, making soft noises at him. Trinket had been taken under his care after Vex’s passing, he was the only one who knew Trinket as good as she had. He knew how to train him, how to get him to do what was asked of him. When Vex died Trinket had wandered around the wilds of Whitestone for almost two weeks before he came back to them. That was one of the few times vax felt relieved, when trinket came lumbering back to them, making noises of joy as he literally bear hugged Vax.

He scratched the bears head gently and smiled “You did good buddy. You always have.” he remembered when he’d tied the bows into Trinkets fur, and suddenly a new wave a depression swept over him, he wished there were so many more things he’d done. He wished he’d annoyed her more like he had that day. He wished he’d said sorry more. He wished he’d said he loved he more. He wanted to call her Stubby again. He wanted to hear her call him Staby again. He wanted to put his life on the line and rush ahead just to make sure she wouldn’t die if they’d just rushed in again… but it was too late because she’d already died. Vax buried his face in the neck fur of Trinket, which was easier said than done, considering the damn shrinking potion had not worn off, but he managed, somehow. He gripped the soft brown fur tightly, shaking, holding back sobs, hiccuping with hi attempts to stay relaxed…. Vex’ahlia would have loved to see this, to see one of those damned dragons dead. To loot the hoard the other where digging through. She would of loved it all...and instead she doesn’t get to see it.

~~*~~

Vax stares at the bird sitting on his window sill, they’ve made their way back to Whitestone, just for a brief visit and some time to relax… The crow had been following him since he’d left the graveyard, to stop bye and say hello to Vex. Tell her that at least one dragon is dead. Vax stares blankly at the silky black bird, wondering if this is a sign from the Raven Queen. He walks closer to it, staring at the bird and slowly reaches out to it, the crow tilts his head but not much more, and slowly Vax runs a finger over it’s smooth head and down it’s back, and it ruffles it’s feathers and presses into it. He than proceeds to go to bed ignoring it all, trying to sleep…

But sleep does not come to broken souls so easily.

Sleep does not come to the incomplete when they want it.

Sleep doesn’t come to those who- Vax looks to the door as there was a soft knocking noise and he pauses before answering.

“Who is it….?”

“I have a letter for you Sir Vax! From one Sir Syldor.”

Vax frowns and gets up, opening the door, taking the letter and thanking it’s deliverer. He sits down holding the letter, wondering what he will find inside.

‘Dear Vaxildan,

I would like to see you. Come to the feywild. We will talk more there. Just you and me. I will wait at the gaits for you.

Fom:  
You’re father, Syldor.’

He pauses for a moment as he reads it over, and suddenly he wishes he was little again. He wished he’d be able to sit in his mother's arms as she sung to them in her wonderful voice. He felt confused as to why Syldor suddenly cared. He decided to talk to Vox Machina about it tomorrow.

~~*~~

Vax hadn’t expected to end up there so fast, but the guards had apparently been patrolling, searching for them at the weak points of the Feywild and theirs. They took him to the gates, and as promised, Syldor waited there, he told the guards to take the rest of Vox Machina to his home, and the two men stared at each other with blank looks as they walked away. Syldor took Vax very gently, probably the most gently he’s ever been treated by his father, by the arm and leads him towards the forest as they walk. They sit underneath a tree, silence falling before them.  
.  
.  
.  
Syldor is the first to break the silence “You know, I do care about you.” he isn’t looking at Vax, his head is turned up slightly as he stares at the dusk sky. Vax laughs bitter and dry, and sighs a bit, looking at his feet. A soft hand touches his shoulder and he looks up to face him.

“I know it hurts…”

“How could you ever understand?” Vax snapped at him, anger bubbling up to the surface, like it always seemed to when his father was near “How could you possibly understand what’s it's like to loose someone like that! VEX WAS MORE THAN A SISTER TO ME!” Syldor draws back a bit as Vax seemingly tries to hit him “SHE WAS A PART OF WHO I WAS! ….she’s not the only one who died that day…” he slouched back down.

Syldor can’t help remember the last time Vax had ever yelled at him, he’d been so small. So...young. He’d stated how much he hated Syldor, and his people. How much he hated the village….Syldor told him to leave if he hated it, and sent him to bed. That was the last time he saw his son as a little boy, because he’d listened. They’d left… he could imagine them, identical from all angles at the time, walking away in the dead of night as they held hands.

Syldor does something he’s never done before, not to one of the twins. He hugs him. Close and long and...warm. Vax sat there stunned before his own arms slowly reached up to hold his father before he bursts into tears “I held her….I held her in my arms. I begged for her life. She took her from me...and...and she took part of me too.” he sniffled as he gripped at the fabric beneath his fingers, desperate to cling to something, as if somehow holding on tight like this would stop him from falling deeper into the darkness. Syldor softly strokes his hair and sushes him kindly, it was as if Syldor had been completely replaced with someone Vax had never met before.

“I’m so sorry for what happened to your sister… I wish I had come to her funeral...I wish you’d told me when it’d happened, because as much as she was your sister, she was my daughter.” he stated softly in a voice to soft to be Syldor’s. Vax just hugs him tighter as he sobs, wishing that the tears, the pain, everything would just end.

~~*~~

Vax stared at the cold sky above, it was cold in Vhasilheim, but cold didn't bother him anymore. He heard heavy footsteps and glanced over at Grog, who’d grown a little hunched over the years, and one of his eyes was going slightly foggy, vax himself was starting to go grey, with small wrinkles forming, and he smiled at the goliath, who looked a little more wrinkled than Vax. It had been years since the Chroma Conclave had been destroyed, it had been years since their last adventure. They’d all settled down into new lives. Percy took hold of a noble title in Whitestone, not as high up as his sister, witch he’s glad she’s grown into her role, but still very influential. Keyleth went back to the Ashari, having finished her Arimentai, and she has several wonderful kids, her eldest daughter sharing the name of Vax’s late sister, which plucked at his heart strings in it’s own way. Scanlan went on to go support Kaylie and live with her, to make up for the years he was gone. Grog and Pike had moved to Vhasilheim, so Pike could devote herself to Sarenrae, and though Grog may not easily admit it, he’d taking a licking to the call of Kord, and still often visits the Crucible, tussles about and roughs people up. And Vax? Vax lives with them and has devoted himself to the Raven Queen. It took a long time to get where he is. But he made it.

Grog stood beside him on the little balcony of their two story home, humming “You ‘fink they’ll be here soon?” Vax glances at the aging Goliath and hums in thought, he’s asking about the rest of Vox Machina, they said they were coming to visit, for Pike’s birthday. Pike almost looks the exact same as she used to, maybe one or two more scars, but she doesn’t look quite as weathered as Vax and Grog, no where near it. Vax stretches and sighs as his lower back pops, patting grog on the shoulder “They’ll be here soon Big Man. They always come.” he reminded him. Grog’s memory hadn’t always been the best in the first place, but over the years it’d been lacking a bit. He does remember there adventures though, everyone of them. Grog seems comforted by his words and nods, and makes his way back down stairs. Vax made his way to look outside the window in the back, and as if on cue, the large tree they’d planted back there just for this purpose tore open.

The first to walk through was Percy’s whose glasses were a bit thicker than before, who had a bum leg and a cane to help him walk, who’s more wrinkled than most of Vox Machina. The next to walk through is Scanlan and Kaylie, Scanlan has a bit of grey to him and slight wrinkles but Kaylie looks as if she were in the height of her twenties. Keyleth steps through last, her once free wild orange hair held up in a bun, the newest addition to her family, a young boy she’d named after Gillmore, his full name is Shaun Gillmore of the Ashari, but they call him Shaun or Gilly, or some other cute toddler nick name. Keyleth always has to bring her youngest's with her, whilst her husband watched over the older ones. Keyleth has at least three kids now, and each time one was born Vox Machina where there in the Air Ashari’s tribe, waiting to meet a new addition to the family. Of them all Keyleth looks the youngest, the most unchanged, except she’s a little more mature looking whilst she holds a small dark haired child at her side.

Vax easily vaults out the window, landing in front of them, his knees protest a bit, but he isn’t bothered “There you are! Grog was beginning to worry you’d never show!” Percy’s immediate reaction is to hit him on the shoulder with his cane, Keyleth gasping in surprise at old Percy’s surprisingly quick movements, and Vax laughs and Scanlan smiles. Vax leads them inside, running a hand over the large stuffed bear that sat in the living room. Trinket had passed a long time ago, he was an old bear and he died in his sleep, probably dreaming of a good old run into adventure. Vax had him stuffed so he could always remember the bear, the armour still sat on it. The bear looked like he was sleeping. Keyleth softly touche the hump of Trinkets back and the small toddler in her arms giggled and reached out to touch it, looking awed as his tiny hands went through the soft fur.

Grog is sitting by the fire and he looks over and waves a bit, the rest of Vox Machina filter in and find places to sit and talk to catch up. Pike joining them and being surprised as she walked home from the temple. This was always her favorite surprise, every year, you could get her anything in the world and to her nothing would be as precious as this moment, walking into her house to find her old friends there waiting happily to greet her. Hugs are passed around and excited chatter, Percy reminiscing something about what his grandkids have done, jokingly asking Vax and grog when they’ll finally grow up and try having kids. Vax laughs and shrugs, whilst Grog states that he thinks he’s better as “Uncle grog” than “Papa Grog” seeing as the kids, when the others bring them, love using Grog as there own jungle jim, it isn't often the others bring their kids or grandkids, but when they do all of them have a wonderfully amazing time. Eventually Keyleth and Vax makes a cake whilst Percy spends time with Gilly, all of Percy’s kids, Keyleth’s and even Kaylie have become accustomed to calling them there uncles and aunts.

Eventually, somehow, Vax ends up with Gilly on his lap, Percy having gone off to get some wine for them and something for Gilly to drink. Vax always loved holding the kids. He remembered the first baby any of them ever had. It was Percy’s. Several weeks before the baby was do, he called them over. Vax, after Percy and the baby’s mother, was the first to hold Percival Von Musle Klossowski De Rolo the IV, the infant was so small in his hands, and both men had been terrified of breaking the infant with a single breath. It was one of his favorite memories.. Eventually they had everything they needed for a typically Pikey birthday, they drank wine, ate cake and gave her gifts. Than the stories began, the memories, the nostalgia. Vax remembered when he cut half of Grog’s beard off (which the goliath still proudly brandishes even though most of it has gone grey) or how they defeated the Briarwoods, and Kevdak, and there time in the Underdark, they remembered every fearful moment, every happy one, every sad one.

But eventually they have to go home. They say there good bye and wave and eventually they depart from each other. Vax and Grog spend the rest of the day with Pike, before eventually sleep calls them, and they all go to bed slowly. Vax’s room is dark, except for what little light leaks through the window, and he slowly lights the candle he has set up, he hears cawing and softly shushes the crows that have taken nest in the rafters, and begins to pray to Vex’s shrine, he spends an hour there, and the crows land on his shoulders, and he carefully turns around and lights the other candles and spends an hour praying to the Raven Queen’s shrine, the crows unmoving. He then puts the candles out carefully, and goes to bed.

~~*~~

Vax never did have kids, but that's okay because there are plenty others to remember him. Grog had never expected to outlive him, but Vax grew ill, and try as she might Pike could not convince him to let her heal him. Because he knew it was his time, he could feel the Raven Queen cradling his soul. He died surrounded by his friends, the people he loved, and his precious crows and ravens staring down from the rafters above, he died in his sleep as they said goodbye.

“You know I always knew you would manage to die first,” Scanlan had joked, wiping the tears from his eyes “because you're such an idiot.”

“You’ll be with them again soon, your mother and you sister I mean.” Percy had told him as he held Vax’s hand which was already so cold, and Vax’s breath stuttered in his sleeping state.

“I promise, I’ll name the next boy after you.” Keyleth had said as she touched the barely there swell of her stomach.

“Hey, you wait fer me, a’righ Vax? Because I ain't done wif you, my next prank is the best you’ll ever see, I got years t’ plan it!” Grog had promised as he gently held his hand, a stern look on his face.

“She’ll keep you safe, the Raven Queen I promise. And if she hurts you I’ll hunt your soul down myself and give you the biggest astral hug I can!” Pike had sated as she whipped her eyes, standing on a chair to get a good look at his face.

“You were a brave warrior you know? You deserve rest, after all you’ve been through.” had been the soft but meaningful words to leave Kima.

He died with his left hand in Keyleth’s grasp and his right in Pike’s.

He’d died dreaming of being young again, flying through the sky with his thick black wings, with Vex in his arms.

He died feeling whole again.

Because even the greatest wounds heal with time, love, and nurturing.

Even the deepest cuts, the biggest losses, stop hurting so bad after you finally realize you are not alone.

He died feeling whole.

Because he realized she had never truly left him.

Because she was half of his soul.

He died feeling whole because he’d always had her, from birth to death.


End file.
